


nicholas you'll be alright

by riverplato



Series: mountains to the river [1]
Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26230153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverplato/pseuds/riverplato
Summary: Nick tries to get close to Troy, by whatever means neccessary.
Relationships: Nick Clark/Troy Otto
Series: mountains to the river [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104596
Comments: 11
Kudos: 37





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> binging ftwd in quarantine and stumbled across this pairing, i thought it would be fun to write for it so here we are. i'm only half way through season 3 so if things dont make sense with hindsight, thats why. hope you enjoy :)

Nick hates Broke Jaw, he loves his family and wants nothing more to keep them safe, but the ranch is a difficult place to be. He can’t look at Troy without remembering the euphoria in his eyes as his little experiment was occurring. It sickens him. To get revenge, he has to first get close to Troy, a gruelling task, however, Nick is great at making people like him, it’s one of his many talents and the one he’s most proud of. He’s always been able to get things to go the way he wants. That’s why he let Troy pick him up for boar hunting. It's not something he ever thought he’d do, he is, was a city boy after all, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He sits in the truck, calm and quiet, looking over Troy, trying to understand what’s going on in that head.

As they hunt they become separated, Nick savours the solitude, it feels like an intermission, he gets to stop acting. Still, he has no idea what he’s doing, he has no idea how to hunt, for animals at least. He hears footsteps coming around the corner, he assumes its Troy, out of hope more than anything, he knows he can surprise him. Nick crashes to the ground, bringing Troy down with him, and aims his gun at Troy’s head. He could take him right now, shoot him point blank and act innocent when Jeremiah came to his door. He could say he thought Troy was just a boar, he thought he was a pig anyway. He feels powerful above Troy like this, in control.

“Shoot me. It’ll take about 87 minutes for me turn” Troy sounds so smug.

“What’s wrong with you?” Disgust fills Nick’s voice.

“I just need to know why we spoil.” The statement makes Nick’s blood boil but he just can’t shoot him. He’s better than that. He aims at the dirt and lets Troy tackle him in turn. He reminds himself of his drive of hatred, the truly horrible things Troy has done and rips Troy’s book of findings from his coat, letting the pages fly across the field as he explodes in bewildered laughter.

“I think we can be friends now,” Troy says earnestly. It’s exactly what Nick wants to hear.

As Nick returns home, he can’t shake the feeling of power he felt being above Troy. He hasn’t had contact like that with another man since his days as an addict. Still, it wasn’t the same, it was powered by rage rather than lust, the line between them seemed so thin to Nick. A drunken memory resurfaces as the feeling washes over him; he was fifteen and just beginning to fall down the rabbit hole and with beer still staining his throat he cried into his mother’s chest letting her know what he felt for men. It’s the same sort of relentless shame and foolishness.

He bursts into his cabin, Alicia’s at bible study and his mother’s sleeping and Luci’s in their bed, looking to the door with a sweet smile. She’d been waiting, and if Nick wasn’t feeling so frantic it would’ve been quite endearing.

“Hey.” He says slowly, hovering beside the bed and wrapping his coat closer to his body.

“Come to bed Nick.”

“Um yeah.” He sits on the edge as Luci wraps her arms around his waist.

“Did I ever tell you I like guys too?” Luci thinks it over for a moment.

“No, but it doesn’t matter to me.” She kisses his cheek.

“Good, I just didn’t want to lie to you.”

A few days later Luci left. It saddens Nick but he knows how things had to go, that was the way of this world, people came and went. He just tries not to think about her succumbing to the dead. He’s comforted by her strength and courage, she’ll be fine.

Joining the militia is stupid, yet necessary. As Nick takes a knife to his hair, he feels a part of him fall away, he's becoming too caught up in the revenge, constantly thinking of ways to get close to Troy and make him pay.

“Nice hair cut Nicky.” The shit-eating words fall out of Troy’s mouth as soon as he approaches.

“Thanks,” Nick mutters, looking up. He hates how Troy towered over him, it makes him feel weak.

“You’ll make a good soldier.”

“It’s all I want to be.”

“I’ll see you tonight.” Troy walks away. Nick feels his heart pulsing, so much anger was stirring through his body.

Nick isn't a stranger to staying up through the night, but working through it is difficult, he struggles with keeping alert and looking out for trouble.

“Wake up Nicholas,” Troy says, his tone mocking as always.

“Don’t call me that.” He's really trying to pretend to be friendly with Troy, but the caffeine is wearing off and he hates his birth name.

“Wake up Nick,” Troy repeats, emphasising the name, Nick tries not to think about his name on Troy’s lips too much.

“Thanks. Sorry, it’s just if we’re gonna be,” Nick almost chokes on the word. “Friends, you’ve got to understand I hate that.”

“Don’t worry, I get it.” There’s a silence between them. Nick aims his gaze towards the stars. He never got a view like this in Los Angeles, it humbles him, reminds him that the world is so much bigger than him and his problems.

“Look. Movement up ahead.” Troy snaps him out of thought.

“Infected?” Troy stares at the horizon for a moment.

“Must’ve been the wind.” He's quiet then suddenly speaks. “What were you like before all this?”

“Normal.” Nick lies.

“I prefer this world. It's like we’re back to basics. It feels natural.”

“Sure.” Nick looks at him, hoping his frown and furrowed eyebrows were invisible in the darkness.

“Did you have a girl?” “Sort of.” Nick reminisces, Gloria, or anyone else he fooled around with, wasn’t good for him, it wasn’t loving. “I didn’t have any proper relationships.”

“Me neither.” He feels Troy move slightly closer.

“That sort of thing is so different now, you can’t have anything causal.”

“Alicia and Jake are casual.”

“They still get along with each other and see each other and work together. You can’t have sex and never see them again anymore.”

“Is that what you used to do?” He can feel Troy’s breath on him now. If flirting is what he needs to do to get close to him, Nick is more than willing to do it.

“Sometimes.” Nick doesn't know what else to say. He stands on his toes and gives Troy a soft kiss, he’s just testing the water. As he pulls away, brown eyes uncertain, Troy’s lips curl into a sickening smile and he pulls Nick back in. Troy kisses rough, their teeth clash together and by the time he pulls away, Nick's out of breath. Nick looks at him, chest heaving and eyes wide, and could only say exactly what was on his mind.

“I fucking hate you.”

“Then why do you want me so bad?”

Nick doesn’t respond.

“Faggot” Troy says under his breath. Nick knows it’s only to get a rise out of him, they’re both armed, he could kill him right now. He resists, killing him is too simple. Instead, he just kisses him again, holding him by his neck and pushing his tongue into Troy’s mouth, praying he’ll choke on it.

Nick can’t look at him come the morning. He eats alone, everywhere he looks reeks of Otto’s, hell, the whole ranch does. He sees Alicia and Jake with one another, talking and laughing over coffee like they’re on a proper old-world date. Across the way Madison’s having a discussion with Jeremiah, it seems the Clarks are just intertwined with them. Troy approaches his table and Nick stands up to go home. He can’t deal with him this early. Unfortunately, Troy is rather fast and as Nick meanders back to his house, Troy catches up to him.

“Nick I want to talk with you.” It’s oddly straightforward and mature coming from Troy.

“I don’t want to talk with you right now.”

“Then at least kiss me.” There’s a desperation in Troy’s voice and Nick loves it, he’s got a way to keep Troy in his grasp.

“You’ll have to wait.” Nick feels so powerful as he walks away. He looks back to Troy standing stagnant and smiles at him with a cheeky grin. He feels so good being in control like that.

Nick makes him wait until dinner. Once their plates are cleared, Troy returns to the Otto house, closely followed by Nick. Madison watches him disapprovingly, knowing what Nick’s like. Sometimes he can be too brave.

Troy closes the door to his bedroom and pushes Nick against it. It’s so aggressive in every way, even in the tender act of kissing, it's like he has to assert his dominance here as well, show Nick that he’s in control. They don’t go further than kissing, not tonight, Nick wants to tease him, he’ll need something to keep Troy coming back, and he knows the promise of sex is too alluring to deny.

“I should go back,” Nick says as he pulls away. The moon’s high in the sky and he doesn’t want to be seen coming out of the Otto house in the morning.

“Stay.” Troy pleads. He sounds so needy.

“You want me to sleep in your bed?” Nick tries to think of any reason to leave. Kissing is one thing but cuddling with his enemy is a whole different level. “What if someone comes in?”

“I won’t let that happen.” Nick complies, he slides under the covers. It’s incredibly warm and comfortable, this kind of bed is a rare treat in the new world if Troy wasn’t here it would be a great night’s sleep. He removes his shirt as he watches Troy climb in beside him, it's surreal. They don’t touch in the bed, it seems too far for both of them, too domestic, too reminiscent of a real relationship. They’re fooling around, Nick’s pretending, he reminds himself over and over until he dozes off.

It’s rare for Nick to sleep a full night, he slept rough beforehand, but the dangers and stress of the apocalypse deal a greater toll. When he comes to, it’s still dark and he’s shifted to being curled into Troy’s chest, with one of Troy’s arms over his shoulder. It's oddly comforting. He can’t stay like that though. He gets up, scraping his clothes from the floor.

Nick heads for the kitchen. Inside, he takes an early sip of water, as Alicia walks in. It’s almost as scary as being chased by the infected.

“What are you doing here? Are you stealing from them?” She says in an urgent whisper. Nick wishes it was that simple.

“I’m just having a drink!” He darts around the question.

“You have water at your house.” “I was,” He takes a deep breath, he lied to Alicia a lot when they were younger, it was better, to be honest with her now, “I was fooling around with Troy.”

“You were what?”

“Me and Troy- “

“I don’t want to know. Is it part of your revenge plan?”

Nick nods but in case Troy is listening, he mutters, “No “

“We’ll talk later.” She’s stern and obviously angry. She has that same damning stare their mother does, it scares him. She heads back upstairs to Jake and as Nick returns to ‘his’ Otto, he feels shaken by the parallel.

As he walks the halls he realises a problem, Nick quite likes the Otto house, it’s spacious and well built, he could see himself living there. He catches a glimpse of the bathroom. There’s a pleasantly sized bathtub and he could only imagine how relaxing it would’ve been in the old days. They have a wide mirror above the sink, it’s strange to look into. Nick hasn’t seen himself like this in ages, only in windows and the small handheld mirror he cut his hair in. His long parka and haircut make him look like a singer he used to like. Nick thinks for a moment as he checks out his reflection, for the apocalypse he doesn’t look too bad. He smiles at the mirror and returns to Troy.

“Hey. I’m gonna go home.” He stands in the door.

“Okay,” Troy speaks with a tired voice, it's like he can’t be bothering saying anything longer. “Bye.”

“See you.” Nick gives him a small wave.

“Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell anyone about tonight.” There’s desperation in his voice.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” He blatantly lies through a smile.


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter guys cause i watched season 3 episode 9 and need time to reconfigure wtf is gonna happen in my story that threw me for one. anyway enjoy :)

Nick’s always relied on his vices, he was fourteen when he first took a needle to his arm, desperate for a release from the deafening nature of his home, the cigarettes he stumbles across when scavenging give him a hint of that same freedom, that same release, and in a way, the rush he gets from playing Troy is the same release, the same high. Nick knows that he’s come into his own in the apocalypse, that he’s grown as a person, whether it was the fact he has to fend for himself in the new world or that he’d gotten clean, but something has shifted. He’s more of an adult than he ever would’ve been in his old life, he’s even got his own house. Yet the game he’s playing with Troy is a return to that old mischievous, tasteless behaviour he used to participate in, it’s downright mean, leading him on like that, and Nick begins to think that maybe he is indeed taking it too far, yet any memory of Troy’s old base reminds him it’s worth it. It was horrific, the stench of those people, not dissimilar to himself, slowing morphing and decomposing before him remained in his memory, the fear of losing his life for one man’s purpose, the fear of losing those he loves, and the guilt, of knowing he lead his people into such a fate played on his mind. Nick knows he isn’t the bad guy. 

Alicia comes to his house in the afternoon, he knows it’s not going to be a pleasant conversation.

  
“Can you just explain what’s going on with you?” She asks, calm and reserved but hiding a wave of strong anger. He knows what she’s asking about, there’s nothing else to discuss. 

  
“I’m just trying to get close to him,” Nick defends himself, “you know I hate him.”

  
“It would be better if it was real Nick, think about what it could do to us if your secret gets out. We’ll lose their trust. We’ll lose our home.” She’s teetering on saying how he’ll jeopardise what she has with Jake.

“I’ve got a plan. It’s gonna be fine.” He doesn’t, he doesn’t know where this is going to lead him. 

  
“It better be.” Alicia’s words are cold. She leaves and Nick’s left to grapple with the reality of how he’s plagued his family. He feels selfish, the plan is worth it though, he’s confident in his capacity for deception, it’ll all pan out in the end. 

At dusk he leaves for dinner, he wishes he could stay in the comfort of solitude, but his stomach has other plans. He strolls down the path towards the communal area, a relaxed pace that he hasn’t known in a while. It’s a nice comfort knowing there’s going to be food at the end of that path, and that he isn’t going to be attacked on the way there, by infected or anything else. As restricted as he feels at Broke Jaw, the guarantee of supplies is a sure relief. He collects his food, calmly and just tries to focus on the task, a mindset that he always finds hard to take on. As he sits down, Troy approaches. Of course, he does. The moment Nick inserts himself into the public Troy has to have the first word. 

  
“What are you doing tonight Clark?” It’s a stupid question and they both know it. It’s not like he has anywhere to go. 

  
“I was just gonna stay home” Nick replies with snark in his voice. He was hoping for a quiet night, but he knows Troy has other plans. 

  
“I haven’t seen that house of yours fixed up yet.” He speaks in such an airy manner. “You could give me a tour.”

  
“There’s not a lot to see.” 

  
“C’mon Nick, stop messing around. Let me come over.”

Nick lets a small smile emerge. “Fine. You can visit after dinner.” 

  
Nick knows people will start to talk, speculate about where they disappear to after dark, he doesn’t care that much. He’s been the topic of gossip many times over, and occasionally for the same reason. He just worries, particularly about Jeremiah and the other founding fathers, Los Angeles was a lot more progressive and he still got teased and gossiped about when in the company of a male lover. He’s seen the distaste towards minorities already, he worries that he’ll be mistreated on the ranch, he even worries that Troy will suffer similarly. He doesn’t know when he started worrying for Troy too. He wonders if Troy would worry the same, or if he’d let the community belittle and betray him, cast him out beaten and bloody. If the border was anything to go by, Troy would take the first hit. 

“Finished?” Troy hovers over him as he scrapes the last spoonful of rice into his mouth.

  
“Yeah, I’m coming.” Nick huffs. He can’t deny that he’s looking forward to tonight. He loves the thrill he gets from doing something so wrong. 

  
“Take the lead.” Troy seems genuinely interested. It’s unsettling, but nice to be cared about. There’s always a ‘but’ with Troy. Nick takes him back down the dirt path, occasionally looking over his shoulder to check that Troy is keeping pace. He lets Troy in, and it feels so grating like he’s making a fatal decision.

The house is supposed to be Nick’s safe place and yet, Troy, the psychopath, is making himself at home inside its walls. 

  
“Like I said, it’s not much,” Nick says humbly. It isn’t much, but he loves it. Having his own space and a place to call his own is a virtue he’s never known. It makes him feel so independent and trusted like he’s really growing up. 

  
“You did a good job.” Troy looks around, content. 

  
“Well, your dad helped too.” 

  
“Bet he did.” Troy sighs. There’s something in his eyes, something he’s not saying. Nick’s always been good at reading people. 

  
“Is there something you want to say?” Nick prompts. 

  
“Why’d you ask that?”

  
“Just got that look on your face.” Nick shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant. 

  
“Cause you know me so well don’t you Nick?” 

  
“What’s bothering you?” He says it plainly. Like a real friend would, it sounds so genuine that Nick almost feels like he actually cares.

  
“The way you talk about my old man.” The absence of 'father' is deafening, “He’s no saint.”

  
“I know how you feel.” Troy looks to him with hope and understanding, like they’re bonded through the pain. Like they’re brothers through their blood. 

  
“He was terrible growing up. Always drunk, Jake was more of a father to me than he ever was.”

  
“My dad didn’t give me a lot of attention.” It’s not the same, he knows his suffering is less than Troy’s, but he still carries a wound. 

  
“Is that why you used?” Nick looks confused, “Jeremiah told us. It’s a weakness to exploit, see, he can’t be trusted.”

  
“It was…We’re not so different you and I.” The realisation grips Nick. Troy’s bloodlust is horrific, but it’s just a manifestation of what happened to him, he’s just like Nick, driven to mistakes by family. 

  
“We’re not.” Troy places a hand behind his neck and kisses him, softer than they’ve ever done. Nick melts into it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading ! i focused on how nick and troy are thematic foils in how their upbringing manifested cause i think thats so interesting, i think everything about nick's character is so interesting, i'm really hoping im not demonising his addiction but i cant ignore that things are better for him now hes clean. just overall message: nick clark best character


	3. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn i have no idea how long this is gonna go on for cause im having fun messing with canon and its 2020, what else have i got to do. enjoy this chapter some stuff happens :)

Troy’s capacity for violence continues to shock Nick, the way he just continued living carefree with all that blood on his hand upsets him. Seeing him after looking upon Gretchen and her family, all turned, makes it even harder to side with him. His mother encourages him to cover for Troy, a wise choice. Between Madison’s friendship with Jeremiah, Jake and Alicia’s relationship, and what Nick has with Troy, they have pretty good coverage on the Otto’s. Madison is pleased with Nick’s progress with Troy, of course, she doesn’t know the extent of their relationship, but she can see the positive way Troy responds to Nick, how his eyes light up at even the mention of his name, she thinks they’re becoming very good friends.

When Jake returns from Black Hat, Nick feels that same bloodlust that Troy does. He understands the struggle of the tribe, even sympathises with them, but the safety of his family is compromised. When Madison blackmails Troy to attack them, Nick is understanding. He tags along, he plays along, he lets Troy rest his hand on his thigh as they drive up. It’s all quite scandalous, the secret mission goes against so many rules and morals, there’s a lot of life lost on Walker’s side. It bothers Nick but he needs his sister, he loves her, and she reminds him of what life used to be like when they were close as kids.

After Troy enters the truck, Nick’s in the passenger seat, his face is splattered with blood and he bears a smile. He’s existing in contrast to Nick, who’s staring blankly through the windshield, mediating on the killing. It sickens him.

“Nick.” Troy’s voice is soft but victorious. He’s happy. “Look at me.” It’s hard for Nick to follow that command, he’s representational of tonight’s bloodshed, he doesn’t want to meet those eyes. Yet he does, his shifts his gaze to Troy’s triumphant face with hesitation. He’s always found Troy’s face to be elusive, it’s hard to work out if he’s attractive or not, he’s not like Jake who has kind eyes and soft edges, he’s an enigma.

Nick wants to say something, curse him for striping those men of their lives, or thank him for aiding in Alicia’s return. Nothing comes out. It’s rare for Nick, to be speechless like this, he’d even though that he’d adjusted to this new world, a silly thought; the horror never eases.

“Nick,” Troy repeats. He can tell Nick isn’t present, that he’s not really here, that he doesn’t feel like a hero. Troy places a hand on Nick’s thigh. He has worker’s hands, Nick noticed when they first kissed, his hands were rough and worn on Nick’s skin, now they’re filthy, dirt and blood are caked on the skin and under his fingernails, so different to Nick’s soft and unsullied hands. Yet the touch is comforting. It’s the kind of tender touch his life has been lacking. The action speaks louder than whatever Troy’s trying to say, and Nick lends himself to it, placing his own hand on top of it and bringing his lips to touch Troy’s. It’s strange for him to initiate the kiss but in all the darkness of the world, Nick just wants to be loved and desired, even if he doesn’t feel the same for Troy. It’s the kind of compassion Nick had been denied even before everything.

To Troy this is akin to a reward or trophy, he’s just won a battle, accomplished exactly what he wanted to, and he gets to kiss this beautiful boy. The drive home is comfortable, Troy has one hand on the wheel and the other still in place, touching Nick. Nevertheless, Nick’s got that nervous look in his eyes, like he doesn’t want to get home. Troy’s actually glad he can’t drive, he’s worried Nick would crash, just like his dad. It worries him, there’s nothing he can say to make Nick feel better, he knows Nick is tired of all the violence, but that’s just the way things are now.

When they return, they edge to part ways, Nick needs sleep. Troy doesn’t want to let him go quite yet but Nick’s nothing if not diligent. They part with a tight hug initiated by Troy. It’s almost more intimate than kissing. They’re hidden by the frame of the truck, it’s rare to have a moment of such brutal intimacy in the open space of the ranch. The hug is the comfort Nick requires right now, he grips Troy close and doesn’t move away from his adoring forehead kisses. As they part, Troy runs a gentle hand through Nick’s dark hair, letting it fall in front of his eyes rather than slicked back like usual.

“I do really like your new hair.”

“Thank you,” Nick replies sincerely. “Night Troy.”

“Goodnight Nick.”

When Madison tells Nick Ofelia is at the ranch, injured and afraid, he’s excited. He misses the old crew of the Abigail and hadn’t gotten to know Ofelia as well as he’d like to. She’s being given a second chance, it’s nice to see her on friendly terms.

After her return, he gathers with the other militia members, to participate in their conspiring, naturally, everyone’s sceptical but Nick trusts her, a downside of his kind heart. As he listens to the group’s musings, occasionally offering something of his own to say, he notices the quick glances Troy sends his way. He’s learnt Troy shows his feelings through his actions, from those little glances to the fact that he poured Nick’s coffee before his own. If only Troy was this sweet to everyone, the world would be a better place. Nick peacefully sips his coffee, talking and gathering like this is almost reminiscent of the old world. Seemingly out of nowhere, a few of the soldiers start to look sickly and Nick begins to feel it as well, his stomach churns and he begins to cough up the coffee, before quickly losing his vision. 

Nick wakes in a bed in the medical tent, he’s restrained, it's worrying. He’d fallen ill in the evening and it’s the morning now, he’s surrounded by his fellow militia members, all suffering from the poisoning. At the edge of the tent, he sees Troy, asleep on a canvas chair, clearly, he’d stayed up late, fearing for the lives of all his friends until he couldn’t fight sleep anymore. Troy asleep is calm and subdued, innocent even. His face is so relaxed that he almost bears no semblance to the wild nature he normally holds. Nick sort of misses it.

Time passes differently in the tent. Nick’s drifting in and out of consciousness, he sees faces pass, recognises a few but it all feels like a dream. After some time, Troy wakes up too. It’s Alicia who lets him know Nick’s stirring.

“Nick, hey, it’s me,” Troy speaks so sweetly. Nick blinks a few times like he’s bringing himself back. He’s dazed, mostly out of it and struggles to reply at first.

“What happened?”

“Someone put something in the coffee, we think you got poisoned, like everyone else.”

“Who?” Nick thinks it over, wondering why Troy seems fine.

“It wasn’t me.” It’s like he can read Nick’s mind. He lowers his voice, “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.” Troy gives his hand a quick squeeze, then retracts; the tent is too crowded for anything like that. 

Nick recovers well, after even a day he’s already back to good form. Some of the other soldiers have already turned, or just aren’t improving. Nick’s not a threat anymore and after convincing Jake, is released. The first place he goes to is the Otto house, he needs to talk to Troy, he doesn’t know why or what about, but he’s sure he’ll find something to say. He lets himself in, the door’s unlocked anyway. As he walks upstairs, he starts to get nervous, it’s strange, that’s never happened before. He takes a few deep breathes, trying to shake these uncharacteristic nerves.

“Troy?” He knocks on his bedroom door, hoping that Troy’s inside. He is. The door opens and Troy’s face breaks into a smile.

“Hey, Nicky.” Nick rolls his eyes at the nickname but catches himself smiling, when did he start doing that? “Come in.” Nick follows the instruction. He stands awkwardly in front of the doorway.

“You look better.” Troy comments, he’s very confused by what Nick’s doing.

“Thanks, I feel better.” He can hardly meet Troy’s eyes. It’s not like Nick to get flustered. He looks around for a moment, taking in the room as if he’s never been there before. “Okay, um, see you later Troy.” Nick abruptly leaves. He has no idea why he’s so nervous, or why his face is burning up. He thinks that maybe he’s just still sick. Why is it so hard to act normal around Troy now?

The question plays on his mind as he walks back to his house. He’s probably just unwell from the poisoning, that’s all it could be, no other reason he’d be nervous or flushed. He changes directions, deciding that the medical bay will have some compassion or insight for him.

When he arrives, the only person on site is Jake. Nick approaches tentatively, not wanting to bother him too much when others are still so sick.

“What are you doing down here Nick?” Jake asks with his attention still on his work.

“I think I’m still sick?” Nick runs a hand through his hair, “I felt really, nervous and flushed and just weird when I was walking back.”

“Were you going to see anyone?”

“Yeah.” He keeps who a secret.

“Nick, I think you just have a crush, sounds like butterflies in your stomach. You’re fine.” Nick doesn’t know how to respond. “Is it Ofelia?” Alicia must’ve been gossiping.

“Um, sure.” There’s no way he’s telling Jake he apparently got butterflies from knocking on his brother’s door. “Thanks, Jake.”

Jake’s diagnosis plays on his mind all the way home. He is so fucked.


	4. iv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the long delay on this conclusion, I was writing at a busy time in my life and some, things happened in the canon of the show as I'm sure we all know of. but I got here in the end and i hope you enjoy the ending :) i also went back and edited all the grammar and spelling mistakes so this is the definitive edition of the story. 
> 
> thanks for sticking with it and being a very kind audience.

Dawn is just beginning to break as Nick and Troy embark up a mountain. Troy is leading them to a special spot so they can view the sunrise as he knows the land well. Nick trails behind him, watching the movements of his body as he hikes and eagerly anticipating whenever Troy looks back. It’s a nice morning and they’re having fun, it’s easy to forget the state of the world when they’re caught up in their little bubble of joy like this. 

“This is the spot!” Troy exclaims with a smile. It’s nothing to brag about really, just a clearing with a view of the horizon but it feels like heaven to Nick. 

“Very nice.” Nick can’t help but smile too. There’s a fallen tree that’s wide enough for them to sit on, they situate themselves on it and set their eyes on the sky. They’re connected at the thigh and Troy has enough courage to place his arm around Nick’s shoulder. Nick leans into the touch as the sun begins to rise.

“Troy.” Nick takes a deep breath. “I think I’m falling in love with you.” There’s a look of confusion in Troy’s eyes and Nick’s heart speeds up. He feels his palms begin to sweat. 

And then he wakes up.

“Fuck” Nick mutters to himself. He’s been having a lot of dreams like this lately, tender and sweet yet Troy always rejects him in the end. At this point, he’d honestly prefer the nightmares starring the dead. He can’t even catch a break from his feelings when he’s unconscious. He contemplates skipping breakfast to avoid seeing Troy. However, his rumbling stomach has other ideas. It’s been almost a week since he was poisoned and yet Troy is always doting on him. Nick can’t say he hates it but it’s starting to start rumours amongst the other settlers. 

“Nick. How’d you sleep?” Troy says kindly as Nick approaches the tables. 

“Fine.” It’s a blatant lie. He would’ve slept better if Troy was there with him. As he assembles his small breakfast, Troy joins him at his table. 

“Do you want to come up the mountains with me after lunch?” The question sets a shock of embarrassment through Nick. He can’t help feeling that his dreams are prophetic and the romantic affection his mind conjured isn’t so impossible. 

“How come?” He wants to but still enjoys the thrill of leading Troy on. It’s almost hard to remember why he started this relationship in the first place and the man Troy used to be, still is. 

“Jake reported some dead that way.” Nick can’t tell if it’s true or if Troy just wants some alone time. 

He takes the chance. “Sure.” 

“Great. I’ll get a car ready.”

After breakfast, Nick heads back and grabs some essentials: his knife, gun and canteen. He meanders around Broke Jaw to kill some time before lunch. He then meets Troy at the gate, who’s sitting in a truck with his infectious smile. It’s a quiet drive. Nick hardly ever knows what to talk about with Troy, it feels like all he wants is sex, and Nick can’t bring himself to admit the fact that he’s stopped pretending. 

“I miss the radio.” Nick looks at the dormant car radio. “Like when it had music.”

“You look like the kind of guy who would.” Nick doesn’t know what to say, “I mean that as a compliment.”

“Thanks. Driving’s so quiet these days.” He sounds more reflective than usual. 

They disembark the car at the foot of the mountain. Nick begins to notice what Troy’s carrying. 

“Why do you have a sleeping bag?” 

“I thought we could spend the night.” Nick feels sick. 

“Oh. cool.” 

“You look pale Nicky.” Troy furrows his brow. He reaches out to rub Nick’s arm. “Something bothering you?”

Something is bothering Nick, but the risk of having Troy lash out when he realises Nick’s been lying this whole time is too high. Especially in such an isolated place. 

“You mean other than the fact the world’s ending? I’m fine. Did Jake really say there was dead out here?”

“I just needed an excuse. This place is isolated, and don’t worry, I’ll protect you if anything goes bump in the night.” 

When they reach the summit, Nick is taken back by the view. The clear horizon is even more beautiful than it was in his dream. Back in Los Angeles he never really got to see anything like this apart from on vacation. 

“I’ll set up camp here. Can you go gather some wood?” Troy asks and Nick obliges. 

When their camp is set up Nick feels a sense of peace. Troy is heating food up over the fire and the sun is beginning to go down. It’s a real nice trip. He almost wants to be honest. 

“So, Nick.” Troy’s brimming with excitement. “What are we doing tonight?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“What did you want to do?” Troy raises an eyebrow. Nick decides that he can be a little bit honest. 

“Why’s it always about sex with you? Can’t we just do something romantic?” He sounds angrier than he expected. 

“I didn’t know you cared for that sort of stuff.”

“Well, I do Troy.” He wants to let it all out, tell Troy that he really cares about him and how he was stupid to lie and how it was insane for him to do experiments on innocent people but maybe some kindness can change him. Nick stays quiet instead. 

“I can do romantic for you Nick. I can do anything for you.” He moves a little closer and kisses Nick softly. “See?” Nick feels a small smile on his face. 

“Yeah, I see.” 

Nick doesn’t have any weird dreams about Troy that night. He doesn’t remember what he dreamt when he awakes. He feels refreshed for the first time in a long while. The comfort of Troy soothed him. 

“We best be heading back,” Troy says groggily. Nick thinks it's cute. He wonders what his past self would think of him finding Troy Otto ‘cute’. 

Back at Broke Jaw, they part ways. Troy has some matters to attend to and Nick feels weird, he aches at the idea of being apart from Troy for that long. It’s getting out of hand.

“Hey, Troy,” Nick says as they depart, Troy turns back to look at him. “I’ll leave my door unlocked tonight.”

“I don’t know if I’ll make it, things are busy with the militia, you should know.”

Nick forgot he had any other obligations at Broke Jaw. “Yeah, of course…the offers always open.” Troy gives him a subtle nod. Nick feels stupid, he rubs his temple and ruffles his hair. It’s embarrassing to be turned down by his fake boyfriend. 

As Nick lies in bed, alone, he comes to terms with a few things. The relationship with Troy is no longer a game to him anymore, the performance has changed into something real, something he feels burning inside of him. It was always going to happen sooner or later. Troy has to know the illegitimacy of their affair, and how Nick wants something real with him, Nick wants everyone in the community to know, he wants Troy to live with him in his little house or to join Troy at the Otto house. He wants normalcy. He just has to deal with Troy’s reaction to his lies first. 

He wonders when he should announce it if planning it is smart or if it’s a heat of the moment type of declaration. As he mulls this daunting situation over in his head, the door handle turns, and Troy enters the house. Nick almost forgot that he offered Troy asylum for the night. 

“Hey, thought I’d take up your offer,” Troy says eagerly.

“I’m glad you did.” Nick hasn’t felt this nervous in a long time. “How’s the militia?”

“Everything’s good. How are you, Nick?” He injects so much care onto each syllable. 

“I’m good.” Nick thinks about whether or not he should take the plunge. He thinks it can wait until the morning. “Get into bed.”

“Is that an order?” Nick shrugs. Troy takes off his uniform and climbs in beside Nick, relishing the warmth of his body. It feels like the most natural thing in the world and Nick dozes off easily.

They’re woken by the sun spilling through the windows. Nick rises first, uncomfortably aware of the burden he’s carrying inside of him. As Troy begins to stir, Nick edges him awake. 

“Morning Nick.” Troy grins sleepily.

“We have to talk.” Nick’s surprised by his boldness, it’s the first thing in the morning after all.

“Can’t it wait ‘till we’ve had some coffee?” Troy yawns. 

“No. I’m afraid that if I don’t say it now, I won’t be this brave for a while.” That piques Troy’s interest. 

“Go on.”

Nick’s breathing gets unsteady. “I want us to have something real, not just fooling around.” 

“Nick-”

“I have more to say. I started this whole thing because I wanted to get close to you,” he pauses, “so I could betray you after what you did to my people. I hated you. But I stopped pretending, I think I’m falling for you.”

Troy’s shocked, he naturally doesn’t know what to say to all of that. 

“Wow, Nick.” He can see it all turning over in Troy’s head. “You lied to me?” He gets up from the bed and looks down on Nick, making him feel even weaker. 

“Yes but-” 

“You tried to betray me and get revenge. You used me, Nick.”

“I know it was stupid, but I want to start over.” Nick can’t look at him.

“I’m leaving. I need to think.” Troy slams the door. Nick always expected some kind of outburst. He’s glad he got it off his chest at least, and that he was left unscathed. 

When he eventually rises to feed himself, Troy is nowhere to be seen. After searching around Broke Jaw he swallows his pride and knocks on the door to the Otto house. 

Jake answers it before he can get a word in, Nick asks with desperation. “Have you seen Troy?” 

“He took off.” Jake glares at him, “He told me, not to tell that son of a bitch, Nick Clark, where. His words, not mine.”

“Fuck. Where’d he go?”

“I just said he didn’t want you to know. What did you do to him?” Jake’s taking on the role of Troy’s big brother, as usual, something Nick’s taken on when talking to Jake in return. 

“It’s none of your business, but please, I need to make it up to him. We had a, falling out, I didn’t try to hurt him” 

Jakes runs a hand over his face. “Fine. He’s in the pantry. Here’s the key.” 

Nick feels elated. “I owe you one.” He runs off towards the pantry. 

He’s so nervous that it’s hard to get the key in. He fumbles until it unlocks. 

“Troy!” He calls out earnestly, hoping that he hasn’t left.

“Get out of here Nick.” Nick follows the voice and finds Troy sitting on the floor, his face uncharacteristically red from tears. 

He meets Troy’s eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

“You’re an asshole.” 

“I know.” Nick sits behind him. “I know it’s hard to put this behind us, but just give us another chance.”

Troy doesn’t reply but instead reaches for Nick’s hand.

“Please?” Nick’s voice trembles. 

“We can start over, but you’re on thin ice Clark.” Troy breaks into a smile at Nick’s name. 

“I’m not going to lie to you again, I promise.” Nick presses his forehead against Troy’s. “I care about you Troy. A lot.” Troy looks at him softly and it tells Nick he feels the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again. i had a lot of fun experimenting with this story and watching the show as well. lots of love to nick clark always. 
> 
> my tumblr is riverplato :)


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